I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
