i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I wish there were birth control emojis
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Randomize
