I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
