I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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