Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
