This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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