FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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