I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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