My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
