he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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