as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Ladies don't puke and tell
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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