hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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