Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
