How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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