so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
