I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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