My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
