I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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