Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
