I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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