you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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