About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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