Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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