I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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