My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
