ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
