So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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