I will die if light touches me.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
