Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
