I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
