if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
