I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
