were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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