just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
