Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I love you. Go after that dick
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
