It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
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