i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
