Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
