She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
