She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
