Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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