i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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