I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
