The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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