my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
