he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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