Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
be right there i have to get my cape
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
