Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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