Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
