He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
