You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
