i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
