exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
